if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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