does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
