Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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