I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
