i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
