I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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