how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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