How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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