did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
