i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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