Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
