I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i drank out of a bidet.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i need some magic done to my vagina
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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