Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
