Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
