you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
