So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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