i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
