Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
did you just send me my own nude
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
