My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize