official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
