I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
