If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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