Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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