I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
