i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
