Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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