ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
