She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
