I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
