It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
