i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's not a walk of shame if you run
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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