I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
