Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
