don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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