i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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