Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
