I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
