This is not my ceiling
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
