I should be sponsored by Trojan
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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