I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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