saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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