the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
