Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
