when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
