One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
