i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Couch. On fire.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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