If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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