Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
