i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
