"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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