I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
