My sheets look like a crime scene.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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