I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
