I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
