i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
