You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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