I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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