so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
