she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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