ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
